F**k Your Innovation

Your innovation is not fucking innovation. You adjusted, adapted, tweaked. You haven’t fucking innovated anything.

Oh hey, Toyota, you upgraded your sad old fucking Prius to go an extra ten fucking miles. It’s still got four fucking tires and a steering wheel, so save the innovation bullshit. Wow, Taco Bell, you made your fucking taco shell out of a Dorito? That’s not a fucking innovation; it just ups the odds of me dying of a cardiac a week earlier than expected. Hey, P&G, putting detergent in a pretty fucking pod? Okay, that actually is innovative. But kids are fucking eating them! Fix that! Apple News: your new fucking site redesign relocated the fucking back arrow from the upper fucking left to the lower fucking left. Not innovative. And fuck you for fucking doing that! So fucking annoying. You’re not an innovator, you’re a fucking asshole!

People throw the fucking innovation word around like it’s fucking nothing. By society’s loose fucking definition of innovation, my Dad innovated fucking oratory by stringing together 14 fucking expletives and shouting them at his table saw. Wolfgang Puck innovated Italian food by ruining the fucking Caesar salad with tomatoes and fucking kalamatas. Kanye West innovated music by being really fucking shitty. And Hilary Clinton innovated losing by (wait for it) fucking losing! Fuck!

Back in the fucking day, people fucking invented things. They had original fucking ideas. Someone invented the fucking wheel. They built ships with compasses that could circumnavigate the fucking globe to sell shit and share cultures anywhere (while, spoiler alert: spreading disease and slavery everywhere). Someone invented steel, lumberjacking, concrete, harnessed fucking electricity and built the Hoover fucking Dam. They cured fucking polio. Polio!

Screen Shot 2018-08-31 at 2.26.06 PM
LOCOMOTIVE: DEWITT CLINTON. The ‘Dewitt Clinton,’ built for the Mohawk and Hudson Railroad. By Granger

You want to be a fucking innovator? Cure cancer. Okay, don’t cure the whole fucking thing, I get that. But cure something like melanoma or leukemia. Don’t just find some new fucking indication for your drug so you can sell a few more really expensive pills to a few dozen really desperate fucking people so that they can live a few more fucking months of their miserable fucking lives. Why don’t you fucking innovate something that will let them live comfortably for long fucking time, until they’re fucking old enough to die from something else.

You know who was innovative? Albert fucking Einstein. No one understood what the fuck he was talking about; it was only a fucking theory. And he was one ugly old muv. Guess what. He was banging movie stars non-stop. You think you’re fucking innovative? Match that, motherfucker!

How about this: Innovate the fucking traffic lights. Why should I be staring at a red light for fucking five minutes when there’s no cross traffic? Okay, maybe that’s not Earth-fucking-shattering innovation, but think of all the time you’d save so we could be fucking innovating something fucking else. Like teleportation. Imagine how fucking cool that would be. Fuck the airlines, fuck Uber, fuck gasoline. Just get into your little pod and step out in another fucking city. Another fucking planet!

Seriously, why haven’t we been to fucking Mars yet, or like the fucking rings of Saturn? I’ll tell you why: because rich people are spending shitloads of money so that other rich people can get fucking weightless for like three fucking minutes. You wanna feel weightless? Innovate a fucking pill that’ll make me fucking 170 pounds again. Or innovate fucking 32” pants that fit my 40” fucking waist.

What do I consider innovative? Fire. Not the first fucking time, like by a lightning strike, but the guy who figured out how light it, control it and dowse it. He was a fucking innovation badass. Salted pork: fucking innovative. Aqualung: Check the fucking innovation box on that. Television, yes. “The Bachelor”? Fuck you!

The most recent true innovation? The iPhone ten years ago. Fucking brilliant! And I just paid Apple $1200 for the 10th iteration in a different fucking shade of fucking blue. That’s not innovation; that’s them being greedy and me being a fucking lemming. And it worked big time. Fuck! That must be innovation after all.

Here’s your chance to be innovative, smart guy: find a new word for fuck.

So, in closing, [insert your new word here] your innovation!

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