The Noob Regrets


Dear colleagues. I apologize for the Reply All email that contained rather graphic information and photos of my recent “procedure” in the body of the mail. I had intended them only for Holly in HR. Thanks to those of you who sent condolences and to Jason for commiserating with his own surgical experiences in similarly graphic form.

Hey Y’all. Be careful! The chat thing on our video conference system is NOT private. Anybody can see it. Deepest apologies to the really articulate Linda, smart-as-a-whip Ahmed, beautiful-on-the-inside-and-outside Cindy, the oh-so-chill Patricio, the always-honest and totally-accurate accounting department, my brilliant and open-minded boss Karl, and the boys in IT who brought this to my attention. Eventually.

Greg, totally sorry for what I said about your management abilities on Glassdoor. I assumed my comments would be posted anonymously, but I failed to recognize that I am the only “senior special projects manager” in the Harrisburg office and therefore easily identifiable. You’re doing a great job!

Marcy, I’m still getting a handle on this emoji thing. I wanted you to know you are my #1 sister but I failed to inspect the finger icon closely enough. And no, this has nothing to do with you posting a champagne-popping emoji when our cat Buster died.

Hey there Jessica. UGH! That email was intended for a different Jessica, duh. A total friend and not anyone I work with. And the project I outlined in there is not the same one you and I had worked on for the past six years, and I don’t know how that attachment even got there! It’s completely different, and it probably isn’t going to be any good anyway. Best!


Bobby! Thanks for the ALL CAPS Snapchat tutorial. Sorry buddy for screen-grabbing that super raunchy pic from your bachelor party and posting it on my Instagram. Older, wiser, soberer, am I right? Let me know if you need to crash at my place tonight.

Tony and Felicia, great dinner parfy! Oh boy, my big fat thumps got me in trouble again! I should just not tezt anymore. I meant to tezt that your kids are totally REGARDED (by everybofy), completely BUCKED UP (so confident!), crazy little FACT sniffers. (aren’t we all these days?) Our place nezt time! J

No, Honey, I don’t have any idea why, when you start a search for Portland restaurants, the window auto-fills with porn sites. I hate Portland. Portland sucks. Why are you using my iPad? Stop it!

LinkedIn friends, I’m not sure how I got auto-tagged in that pic. Yes that’s moi at a rave I stumbled upon during my recent (and very successful!) business trip to Berlin. And yes I’m wearing a full-on diva getup with pasties and tassels, and yes I have no pants. Just a bit of revelry for closing a big deal. Very successful trip! Anyone hiring?

Dear Securities & Exchange Commission, thank you for following me on Twitter. (Follow back!) To answer your question, I don’t really remember how I learned about JT Industries, but it sounds like they’ve got some big news coming soon!

To the JMHS Class of 1983, I was just doing a little primal exercise the other night, something my therapist recommended. I can’t believe I hit the “post” button at some point!!! Thanks to Karen Baker-Milton for reaching out (>3 KB!). Please accept my sincerest apologies and know that I would never have acted on any of those urges I described in such thorough and therapeutic detail.

Hi Church Family, me again. Apparently Jenni and I were “live” on Facebook for a few hours last night. Thanks for your forgiveness, in advance. See you Sunday!

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